Jun. 20th, 2017

chanter_greenie: a panther being stared at by multiple other animals (this panther has been to Colorado)
I am 99% sure I'm showing this to my boss tomorrow. I'm scared stiff, but it really is the best idea I can come up with. Then you know you...? Need a new job? Are burned out? Are an overly anxious ball of overreaction? Need to grow the hell up with your wanting-a-slower-pace self?

Bosslady*,

I know this mode of delivery is an odd one, and an oddly formal one, but formality's not what I'm going for here. Very much the opposite; you're a great boss, and you've been better to me than I deserve. I just do better when i'm able to draft something rather than blurting it out. You've probably seen me lock up verbally when trying to get words out in a tense situation, and I don't want to splutter through this.

This is me over the last few weeks. Second person pronouns used because I started this in list form.

When thinking about work, at all, causes you a physical - tightening guts, chills, tangibly elevated heart rate - stress response. This includes when you're doing mundane things, like sitting at home in your rocking chair, or watching a television series you usually love.

When thinking about the next day makes you queasy with dread.

When you don't want to eat, because of both the stomach squirmies, and the time loss sticking a granola bar in your face will cause you.

When you know you're not learning from your mistakes, even though you're trying to.

When you flinch every time your e-mail goes off or your phone rings.

When you don't want to sleep, even though you know you need to, because then you lose a whole night on your own time, and after you lose the whole night of your own time, it'll be tomorrow and work again, where you dread...

When you just can't keep up with anything unless reminders of it are shoved in your face every five minutes, because you're a child, or not motivated, or both.

When you don't want to take a day off, because of what failure of yours might come to light in your absence, and because during your absence, another avalanche will fall into your queue and wait for you, and you know it.

When building pleasantly professional rapport with your customers stops being something you pride yourself on, and starts feeling like a waste of time someone will probably call you on one of these days.

When you forget the answers to obvious work-related questions that you knew six months ago, and you know you should know, but the person to ask is either gone, new, or knows as well as you do that you should know the answer by now.

When saving someone's event, or helping someone celebrate their daughter's birthday, or making sure someone has the clothes for work that may well allow them to keep their job, stops making you proud and just feels like another chore to be rushed through.

When you're more exhausted, mentally, then you remember being before February of this year, and there were plenty of times where you were extremely exhausted before February of this year.

When you don't like the woman under your work facade very much anymore.

When you have the bright idea to show this to your boss, and you're scared silly of the reaction you'll get, but it truly is the best idea you've got.

Then, you know you...?

*Bosslady's name omitted.

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Chanter

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